Please note that this reflection contains explicit language.
Reflection by Aneya Elbert
In Bronnie Ware’s book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, she writes the biggest regret is “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” After a recent close call, I realized that I wish I had had the courage to live a life true to myself and true to God. On New Year’s Day after spending time with my family, I drove to the emergency room where upon arrival my heartbeat rate was nearly 200 beats per minute. Every nurse and doctor who looked at my chart during the 24 hour hospital stay told me I had a close call and I was very lucky. There were still heart tests ahead of me, but with medication and changing my life, including learning to handle stress better, I had no reason to worry. The fear and worry I felt in the hospital turned into anger. “F_ you, Dr. C. Learn to handle stress better? Seriously? F- you, too, God. I lived through all the shit that’s happened to me? Abuse and threats against my life? I sacrificed and gave up everything; and now this?” Where was my gratitude? Where was the joy of living another day? It was gone and I was angry. No matter how spiritually mature I thought I was before, fear turned into resentment, resentment into anger and there was only one place to direct it all; God. Why do we wait until a “close call” or our deathbed? Over time, I armored up to survive and lost my true self. God invites us over and over to a pilgrimage to discover our truest selves. This is a pilgrimage that author Phil Cousineau defines as a “transformative journey to a sacred center”. I finally accepted God’s invitation for pilgrimage to my sacred center. My pilgrimage is like a labyrinth with turns that, at times, felt like I was moving further away from my true self and God. Then, the direction changes with a turn to move closer. On the morning of my 54th birthday, I began the final phase towards the center of the labyrinth while traveling to the Isle of Iona. After two trains, a ferry, a bus and a final turbulent ferry ride, we arrived and I leaped off the ferry over the incoming tide. My foot touched the holy ground and I knew I was home. I was safely tucked in the womb. The womb is a metaphor the Rev. Lauren Artress uses to describe the center of the labyrinth. In a poem by David White titled “Just Beyond Yourself”, he writes “Just beyond/yourself./It’s where/you need/to be./Half a step/into/self-forgetting/and the rest/restored/by what/you’ll meet.” After my close call, I am learning to be true to myself. I am not afraid of what happens after I die; I am afraid of not living now and accepting God’s invitation to pilgrimage. I want to fall madly in love with my true self and the Divine. I begin with “half a step” toward removing my armor link by link as I have begun to descend from the womb.
Aneya Elbert is Ministries Coordinator with St. Thomas Episcopal Church in College Station, Texas. She transitioned out of her 20-year career in technology to her current work in Christian formation and church communication. Aneya is also a trained Spiritual Director, certified by the Episcopal Diocese of Texas, with 11 years of practice in spiritual direction and formation.