“What do I hate most in life and to what am I true? Over and over the questions beat upon the waiting moment.”
Jonah 4
“But this was very displeasing to Jonah, and he became angry. 2 He prayed to the Lord and said, “O Lord! Is not this what I said while I was still in my own country? That is why I fled to Tarshish at the beginning; for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and ready to relent from punishing. 3 And now, O Lord, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live.” 4 And the Lord said, “Is it right for you to be angry?” 5 Then Jonah went out of the city and sat down east of the city, and made a booth for himself there. He sat under it in the shade, waiting to see what would become of the city.
6 The Lord God appointed a bush, and made it come up over Jonah, to give shade over his head, to save him from his discomfort; so Jonah was very happy about the bush. 7 But when dawn came up the next day, God appointed a worm that attacked the bush, so that it withered. 8 When the sun rose, God prepared a sultry east wind, and the sun beat down on the head of Jonah so that he was faint and asked that he might die. He said, “It is better for me to die than to live.”
9 But God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry about the bush?” And he said, “Yes, angry enough to die.” 10 Then the Lord said, “You are concerned about the bush, for which you did not labor and which you did not grow; it came into being in a night and perished in a night. 11 And should I not be concerned about Nineveh, that great city, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand persons who do not know their right hand from their left, and also many animals?”
Romans 12:9-13
“9 Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; 10 love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. 11 Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. 13 Contribute to the needs of the saints; extend hospitality to strangers.”
Reflection:
Please note that this reflection contains explicit language.
In Bronnie Ware’s book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, she writes the biggest regret is “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” After a recent close call, I realized that I wish I had had the courage to live a life true to myself and true to God.
On New Year’s Day after spending time with my family, I drove to the emergency room where upon arrival my heartbeat rate was nearly 200 beats per minute. Every nurse and doctor who looked at my chart during the 24 hour hospital stay told me I had a close call and I was very lucky. There were still heart tests ahead of me, but with medication and changing my life, including learning to handle stress better, I had no reason to worry.
The fear and worry I felt in the hospital turned into anger. “F_ you, Dr. C. Learn to handle stress better? Seriously? F- you, too, God. I lived through all the shit that’s happened to me? Abuse and threats against my life? I sacrificed and gave up everything; and now this?” Where was my gratitude? Where was the joy of living another day? It was gone and I was angry. No matter how spiritually mature I thought I was before, fear turned into resentment, resentment into anger and there was only one place to direct it all; God.
Why do we wait until a “close call” or our deathbed? Over time, I armored up to survive and lost my true self. God invites us over and over to a pilgrimage to discover our truest selves. This is a pilgrimage that author Phil Cousineau defines as a “transformative journey to a sacred center”. I finally accepted God’s invitation for pilgrimage to my sacred center. My pilgrimage is like a labyrinth with turns that, at times, felt like I was moving further away from my true self and God. Then, the direction changes with a turn to move closer.
On the morning of my 54th birthday, I began the final phase towards the center of the labyrinth while traveling to the Isle of Iona. After two trains, a ferry, a bus and a final turbulent ferry ride, we arrived and I leaped off the ferry over the incoming tide. My foot touched the holy ground and I knew I was home. I was safely tucked in the womb. The womb is a metaphor the Rev. Lauren Artress uses to describe the center of the labyrinth.
In a poem by David White titled “Just Beyond Yourself”, he writes
“Just beyond/yourself./It’s where/you need/to be./Half a step/into/self-forgetting/and the rest/restored/by what/you’ll meet.”
After my close call, I am learning to be true to myself. I am not afraid of what happens after I die; I am afraid of not living now and accepting God’s invitation to pilgrimage. I want to fall madly in love with my true self and the Divine. I begin with “half a step” toward removing my armor link by link as I have begun to descend from the womb.
- Reflection by Aneya Elbert
Aneya Elbert is Ministries Coordinator with St. Thomas Episcopal Church in College Station, Texas. She transitioned out of her 20-year career in technology to her current work in Christian formation and church communication. Aneya is also a trained Spiritual Director, certified by the Episcopal Diocese of Texas, with 11 years of practice in spiritual direction and formation.
The Way of Beauty:
This was painted as part of a series after her father died. It showcases new life rising from death. Death bed, babies, new life, phoenix, the ever flickering fire of I AM. As you spend a few minutes contemplating this way of beauty, consider permission to give your two weeks of retreat an opportunity to choose living a life that you want, a new birth of sorts as you step back into the world after your time of solitude ends.
“Blessings” by Louisiana artist, Jennifer Keith, who can be found on Instagram.
The Contemplative Mystical Way:
Choose one of the following movies to watch:
Journal while watching the movie, note your emotions as the story progresses. Which character do you find it the most difficult to empathize with, why? What is the role of hatred in the movie? Reflect on the role of hatred in your own life.
The Way of Practical Action:
As you listen to this Ted talk, consider the stories of hate in life. Consider where your hate can be found and allow that story to come into focus. Is there someone in your life that you hate? How do you stay true to yourself and hate them? Consider what it would look like to reconcile with them if both of you were genuine and clear in your communication. What would that look like for you?
Prayer:
Entreaty do I pour forth unto you Lord today, laying before you all my sorrows, hatred, and anxieties. But like Jonah from the belly of the whale I pray that you raise me up into genuine love, O Lord, my God. Remove all sickness and suffering from your people, and teach us to value life and health as gifts from You. Give us Your peace, O God, and fill our hearts with unflinching faith in Your protection, hope in Your help, and love for You and our neighbor even if they would cast us into the sea.
Comentários